Nun and the Bus Driver : Hilarious Joke

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.

"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."

The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.

"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have s*x with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers an*l s*x. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud s*x. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.

"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"

"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"

Lost In West Virginia Memories

 

A reporter goes to the hills of West Virginia to research an article about the area. He meets an old man and asks him about memorable moments in his life.

"Well," says the old man, "one time my favorite sheep got lost. Me and my neighbors got some moonshine and went looking for it. We finally found the sheep. Then, we finished the moonshine and wound up screwing the sheep. It was a lot of fun."

The reporter asks for another story.

"Well," says the old man, "one time my neighbor's pig got lost, so me and all the village men got some moonshine and went out looking for her. We finally found the pig. Then, we finished the moonshine and screwed it. Now that was a lot of fun."

The frustrated reporter tells the old man that he can't write articles about these stories and asks if he has any sad memories he can talk about.

The old man says "Well, one time I got lost... ."

Whale Pleasures

 

There were 2 whales swimming around who were very bored when they saw a fishing boat one whale says to the other, ''I've got an idea for a laugh, why don't we swim under the boat, blow water from our blowholes and capsize the boat, for a laugh''.

They proceed to do this and swim back down laughing their flippers off.

Then the first whale says, ''I have an even better idea, now that the fishermen are in the water, why don't we swim back up and eat a few?''

The other whale then replies ''Look mate I don't mind the odd blow job but I refuse to swallow seamen!!!!''

What, Exactly, Are Cats..???

 

    1. Cats do what they want, when they want.

    2. They rarely listen to you.

    3. They're totally unpredictable.

    4. They whine when they are not happy.

    5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.

    6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

    7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.

    8. They're moody.

    9. They leave their hair everywhere.

    10. They drive you nuts.

Conclusion: Cats are small women in fur coats.

Meals On Wheels

 

Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it was awful -- she had to sleep in cold back alleys, where there was no food and life was hard. God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way -- but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on. The cat laid down upon the pillow and was happy.

A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth. The earth was no better for them than it was the cat. They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people. God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them rollerskates.

One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she was liking heaven. She explained that it was absolutely wonderful. The pillow he gave her was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept on, but even better than the pillow were the meals on wheels.

Who Is Marylou?!?

 

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.

"I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious.  "You had better have an explanation."

"Calm down, honey," the man replied.  "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."'

The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.

"What was that for?" he complained.

"Your dog called last night."

Farmboy In Whorehouse

 

A farm boy who had just finished his schooling on the farm, was sent by his Ma and Pa to the big city to go to college. The first thing the boy does when he gets to town, is go to find a whorehouse. He goes inside to talk to the madam about getting a girl. She leads him upstairs, opens the door to a room and tells him to sit and wait for the girl to arrive.

After several minutes of anxious waiting, a young, blonde prostitute comes in. The boy is beside himself, and he leaps up from the bed, grabs the television, and throws it out the window. The girl thinks this is odd behavior, but she shrugs it off, and begins to undress. As she strips, the farmboy runs over, grabs the night stand and throws it out the window. Again the girl thinks this is odd, but being an experienced hooker, she figures it's a fetish and continues disrobing. The girl removes her panties, and with that, the farm boy grabs the entire bed and starts lugging it toward the window.

The girl, figuring this is one even she hasn't heard of, finally asks, "What the hell are you doing?"

The farm boy replies, "Ah ain't never been with no woman before but, if it's anythin' like fuckin' sheep, we gonna need all the room we can git."

The Old Lady's Three Wishes

 

A fairy godmother decides to grant three wishes to a little old lady.

"What would you like for your first wish?" the fairy godmother asks.

The little old lady says, "I would like to be rich."

POOF! Her rocking chair turns into solid gold.

"And for your second wish?" asks her fairy godmother.

The little old lady says, "I would like to be young again."

POOF! The little old lady is now a beautiful young woman.

"And for your third and final wish?" asks her fairy godmother.

The young woman's cat, Burt, jumps into her lap.

She asks the fairy godmother, "Can you turn Burt into a handsome young prince?"

POOF! Suddenly, Burt is a handsome young prince.

The handsome young prince leans down to the young woman and whispers softly in her ear, "Don't you wish you hadn't had me neutered?"

Wizard Of Toads

 

There once was a toad that was excluded from all Green Toad activities because he was a handsome shade of yellow. So he went to visit a beautiful fairy in the town over who had the power to grant wishes.

"Fairy," he said. "I would like to be green, so I can play with all the other toads."

"Granted!" said the fairy, who turned him yellow. Unfortunately, his little toady penis was still yellow.

"What about my penis?" he asked the fairy.

"Oh! For that, you'll have to go see the wizard." And so the toad hopped off to find the wizard. Soon, a pink elephant visited the fairy, and he wished to be turned gray. She granted him the wish, but, as with the toad, his penis was still pink. So she told him to visit the wizard.

"How do I find the wizard?" he asked.

"Just follow the yellow dick toad."

Amish Woman Driver

 

An Amish lady trots down the road in her horse and buggy when a cop pulls her over. "Ma'am," says the cop, "I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home," responds the Amish lady.

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around his balls. I consider that animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that right away," instructs the cop.

Later, the lady tells her husband about her encounter with the cop.

"He said the reflector is broken," she tells her husband.

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" asks Jacob.

She says, "I'm not sure, Jacob -- something about the emergency brake."

Never Been With A Woman

 

A 40-year-old woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually. She takes out a personal ad and corresponds with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. After a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.

On their wedding night, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked, and all the furniture piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman," he says. "But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

Full Wool

 

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will lie down and wallow in the grass.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

The next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed.

The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

Four Worms

 

Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day:

First worm - dead

Second worm - dead.

Third worm - dead.

Fourth worm - alive.

Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms!

Rooster In His Declining Years

 

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried about being replaced. He walks up to the new bird.

"So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy.

"You're on," he said, "and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!"

So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead.

After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little -- but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

"Damn. That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

Some Things You Just Cant Explain

 

One day, a farmer walked into a bar and asked the bartender for the strongest thing in the bar.

"What's wrong, fella?" asked the bartender.

''Some things you just can't explain."

''Try me.''

"Okay. I was milking my cow this morning and I filled the bucket clear to the top. Then the dumb cow knocked it down with her left leg, so I grabbed some string and ties her left leg up. Then I milked her again and the stupid cow knocked it down with her right leg. So I grabbed some string and tied up her right leg. I then milked her again and the cow knocked it down with her tail. But this time I was out of string, so I decided to use my belt, so I tied it up with my belt. Just then my pants fell down and my wife walked in.''

"You're right," said the bartender. "Some things you just can't explain."

You Need Elephant Muscles

Jack tells his doctor how he can no longer sustain an erection.

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "The problem is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment. We would take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."

The thought of going through life without ever having sex again was too much for Jack, so he agreed to try the treatment. A few weeks after the operation, Jack was given the green light to try out his new equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.

During dinner he felt a pain building in his groin. To release the pressure, Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprang from his fly, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, and then returned to his pants. His girlfriend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"

''I can try," said Jack, "but I don't think my ass can take another roll." 

Careful What You Kick

 

A boy asks his mother for breakfast. She says, "Not until you feed the animals."

The boy goes outside and says to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today." So he kicks the chicken. He does the same with the cow and the pig.

The boy goes back into the house and tells his mother that he's hungry. His mother says, "I saw you kick the chicken, so you're not getting any eggs, I saw you kick the cow, so you're not getting any milk, and I saw kick the pig, so you're not getting any bacon."

Just then the boy's father walks down the steps, trips and kicks the cat. The boy says, "Mom, should I tell him?"

Penguins Go To The Zoo

 

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.

He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"

The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."

The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."

"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.

The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.

"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."

"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach."

Pissing Contest

 

Two men walk into a bar, one wearing a cowboy hat and the other wearing a Yankees cap. The guy in the Yankees cap approaches the bartender and make a bet: "I'll bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at one end of your bar and piss into it from the other end of the bar without spilling a drop."

The bartender laughs and says, "You're crazy, but you're on."

The man positions a shot glass on one end, walks to the other end and unzips his fly. He then pisses everywhere -- all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottles of booze, and all over the bartender. The bartender roars with laughter and tells the man to pay up.

The guy in the Yankees cap pays up, laughing and smiling, too.

"What are you smiling at?" asks the bartender. "You just lost $1,000!"

"Well, you see that guy in the cowboy hat over there crying? Before we came in, I bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls, your liquor AND you, and not only would you not be mad -- you would laugh hysterically about it!"
 

Basement Challenge

 

Three men walk into a bar. The barman tells them, "If you can sit in my basement for a day, I'll give you free beer forever."

The first man walks out after five minutes and says, "It's impossible, you got a swarm of flies in there."

So the second man tries his luck, but can't take more than an hour.

Finally, the third man goes down. When he returns a day later, the others ask him how he did it.

He says, "Easy! I took a dump in one corner and sat in the other corner!"